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Body Image, Self Care, Thoughts

Dealing with Difficult Thoughts and Emotions

August 31, 2018 By Robyn 8 Comments

Hi everyone! It’s Liz here today. I am writing this post a few weeks in advance because the day you are reading this I will be taking some time off for my wedding. As I thought about this post, I decided I wanted to share about my experience with this season of my life and some of the things that come up for women I work with around body image while planning a wedding. Perhaps you’re in a similar life season? I also wanted to talk about love and the power of acceptance because these are such prominent themes in my clients’ journeys so maybe they will resonate with you too.

Even with all of the work I have done on my own relationship to food and my book and all of the work I have done with women to help them heal their own body image, I started thinking more about my body and its size during this wedding season than I have in years. These thoughts initially caught me by surprise and my first reaction was to tell them to be quiet and ignore them. Which worked temporarily and then I noticed them creep in again. I thought “What the heck Liz, this is completely against your values and all that you believe and support other women in, what is wrong with you?!” My judgement about having the body image thoughts grew meaner and more critical and I was feeling upset and frustrated with myself for having these thoughts. I didn’t change the way I was eating or moving. I didn’t start actively trying to change my body. But I felt so much shame that the thoughts were even there to begin with.

Then I asked myself, “Liz, what would you tell a woman you work with if she were sharing this struggle with you?” and that moment shifted everything, as I talk to women about the power of compassion, acceptance, and not rejecting these parts of themselves all the time.

It can be very frustrating, but our brains are often wired for criticism and judgment based on our temperaments and life experiences. We have come to believe that if we criticize ourselves it will help us to be better – more lovable, worthy, safe, etc. Unfortunately, that just doesn’t work. We cannot criticize and shame ourselves into being “better.” I love the saying, “What you resist, persists.” Instead of rejecting and shaming yourself for having the thoughts you don’t like or attempting to ignore them, I encourage you to acknowledge them, be curious about them, and be compassionate towards them. In my case that looked like, “Liz, it seems like you are thinking more about your body then you would like to while planning a wedding. That’s hard and I know that’s painful. Why might these old thought patterns be popping up again?” I was able to get curious instead of judgmental.

My response then was, “It’s okay Liz, planning a wedding means is a lot of change. You are becoming a wife and a parter and joining a new family – that is a huge transition and life change. You’re feeling anxious and scared and excited and many other feelings all at the same time. There are also all sorts of uncontrollable stressors and unplanned issues that arise while planning a wedding, so you are probably just trying to regain a sense of control to soothe your anxiety. That makes sense, you are feeling scared. Oh and Liz, it’s not your fault, it’s not just you! We live in a society where so much wedding talk is about losing weight for the pictures, the women at the dress shops are asking you about it and when you respond that you are not trying to lose weight, it almost seems unheard of!” This dialogue with myself brought me back to being present and compassionate with myself and accepting of my thoughts with curiosity and then understanding. Sound cheesy and over the top? It probably does and it probably feels uncomfortable to imagine being kinder to yourself because we are so use to be self critical.

The reason I share this is that so often, I work with women who have come a long way in changing their behaviors. They no longer restrict food or exercise to change their bodies, however, some of the diet mentality and body image thoughts persist which causes tremendous pain and frustration. I hear so many women say, “I hate these thoughts, I just want them to go away. I thought I was further along on my journey!” Often, behaviors change before thoughts and thoughts change before emotions. So if you’re feeling this way it’s totally normal.

I totally get it. We don’t want these thoughts to be a part of our lives as they keep us out of the present moment and are emotionally draining. However, hating them and beating ourselves up for having them is not going to make them any less painful. In fact, it’s the hating them that causes suffering. Resisting the thoughts can often make them more intense. So, I invite you to practice acceptance of these thoughts being there, and get curious about why they might be there right now. What purpose are they trying to serve? They aren’t there to make your life miserable. We develop these coping skills with all good intentions to care for ourselves. Noticing these thoughts gives us an opportunity to check in about what we actually need.

For example, these thoughts are often present to distract us from other feelings like sadness, fear, anger etc. When we notice these thoughts it’s a helpful alarm and reminder to check in with ourselves and our emotions. Maybe we are feeling scared about starting a new job and wondering if we are capable, but instead of allowing ourselves to experience that fear and work through it, we blame our bodies because it’s easier to do that. I find it so helpful to remind women (and myself) that these thoughts are trying to fill a need. However, they aren’t actually filling the need. So when we are present enough to notice them we have the opportunity to figure out what we really need, offer that to ourselves, and then with time, the thoughts diffuse as they are no longer trying to fill that need.

I hope this post was a helpful reminder that during stressful times, old familiar coping skills might come up and that’s okay and totally understandable – no matter how long you have been working at this! We are all human. Anticipating this reality helps us plan for it so that we can approach our feelings and thoughts with curiosity and seek to understand and accept instead of becoming critical, harsh and judgmental. These kinds of thoughts let us know that we need more nurturance, compassion and tending to, whatever that means for our life. Maybe that’s slowing down, journaling, calling a friend, or being outside more. We can work with them instead of against them.

As I look forward to my wedding and think about the man I soon get to call my husband, I know that he loves and accepts all parts of me with compassion and understanding. Don’t get me wrong, he does not like everything I do (ha) but he sees and accepts all of me and me of him. And as I enter married life, I also vow to accept and love all parts of myself even those parts I don’t always like – like the anxious ones that want to feel in control. I’m human. You’re human. We’re all human. Love to me means acceptance and compassion and I hope you can reflect on how these ideas might help you as you navigate anything you are currently struggling with!

I’d love to hear areas of your life where you feel you need more acceptance and compassion in the comments below – we all have them so you’re very much not alone! Liz Hooghkirk is a therapist and coach specializing in treating women struggling with disordered eating and eating disorder. Using a Health At Every Size framework, Liz helps women trust themselves and the wisdom of their bodies so they can live an expansive and joyful life aligned with their values. Liz provides both individual and group coaching online to women throughout the country and internationally.  If interested, please find more information about her services with Real Life Women’s Health here. To learn more about Liz’s private practice in San Diego, please click here.


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Filed Under: Body Image, Self Care, Thoughts

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Comments

  1. Emily Swanson says

    August 31, 2018 at 11:53 am

    I think the reminder that we’re all human and that it’s ok to feel, it’s ok to have difficult, conflicting emotions and work through them is such a good one.

    Reply
    • Liz says

      August 31, 2018 at 5:37 pm

      Thank you so much Emily! I so agree, getting mad at ourselves on top of the difficult emotions does not serve us! I appreciate your comment : )

      Reply
  2. Katrina says

    August 31, 2018 at 12:15 pm

    YES, thank you! This is so good, all of it. Thank you Liz!

    Reply
    • Liz says

      August 31, 2018 at 5:38 pm

      Thank you Katrina for your kind words!

      Reply
  3. Jessica says

    August 31, 2018 at 8:54 pm

    Never thought about it this way but it definitely makes so much sense! This post brought so much awareness to me. I am often stressed about school, work etc. when old habits creep into my mind and I realize it’s my way of trying to gain control of something. Great post, thank you!!

    Reply
  4. Liz says

    September 3, 2018 at 1:35 pm

    Hi Jessica! I am so glad this post resonated with you and was helpful to you, Best of luck in being compassionate towards yourself when times are more stressful! It can be so freeing : )

    Reply
  5. Emily says

    September 5, 2018 at 9:43 am

    Oh how this was meant for me! I’ve come SO far in my journey of body love and acceptance but I still have days I struggle with negative thoughts and old habits. One day at a time! Thank you for sharing this!

    Reply
    • Liz says

      September 7, 2018 at 1:37 pm

      Oh Emily, I am so happy this post found you at the right time! Wonderful to hear about all of your progress and so glad to hear you are able to remind yourself that this is a long journey and we can just take it one day at a time with acceptance and compassion.

      Reply

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A non-diet dietitian and nurse practitioner helping women find peace with food, accept their natural body size and heal from hormonal issues and period problems.

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