I’ve been in this unsettled place in New York for the past several months. First it was due to transitioning from student to Nurse Practitioner with an actual career after graduating in December. I’ve also moved three times in 12 months. And then I transitioned from single to married. In between all that our church has been in between pastors so things haven’t felt as rooted there, still really good, just different.
Even though there is a lot of change in all of that, the one thing that I now know (after a lot of thought) is the major player in this unsettled feeling. I’ve had a lot of really good girlfriends move from the city over the past year. Seven actually. Two of those being bridesmaids in my wedding.
It’s really hard to feel rooted when everyone around you seems to be leaving. That’s the nature of New York City though, people come, the stay for a year or two or maybe five and then they leave. I know New York is very, very likely not a forever place for Nick and I, but for now this is home. We are here. But I can’t help but want to leave along with my friends because making meaningful friendships takes work and time and I don’t want to have to do it again.
My friend Jena moved to Nashville yesterday after being in the city for five years. She’s the sister I never had. The friend you can come completely undone with and instead of not knowing what to say, she leans in closer. She knew Nick before me so for both of us, she’s become family. As I biked into work yesterday morning I cried. Not only because I’ll miss her, but because the reality of life seasons changing and friendships changing hit me hard. Of course we will still be friends, as I am with my really good friends from Charlottesville and the ones who have already moved from the city, but it won’t ever be the same. That season has come to a close. And while it was beautiful and rich, I’m grieving the end of it. I had a mentor one time tell me that when you grieve something a lot, it means you felt it really deeply.
I think the one thing we all crave in this life is to feel connected, known and loved just as we are. And that’s why relationships are so important. I’d argue they are the most important thing we can spend our time and energy on — connecting with and loving others.
When I moved to Charlottesville after college for my dietetic internship I had to start all over building community and developing friendships. I found some of my most cherished girlfriends there – three of them standing by me on my wedding day and one of them being my maid of honor.
And then three years later I moved to New York City and had to do it all over. And right now, even though I’m in the same city, it’s a very transient one so I find myself in a similar spot as friends move away – a spot of building new friendships and relationships.
I had a reader asking me to write a post on making friendships in a new city a while back. As I biked to work yesterday feeling sad about Jena moving and life and community looking different in New York now I remembered that email and thought it was time to write this post.
Everyone is different, so what works for me in finding + building friendship might not work for you. I’m an ENFP on Meyer’s Briggs so enaging with lots of people jives more with how I was created. But no matter how you were created, I hope these few points help you build friendships whether you’re in a new city, or like me and in a new season.
1. GET OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE.
I know, I know. But it’s true. Meeting new people isn’t the same as watching Netflix on the couch with wine and your bestie. But, anything worhwhile isn’t just plopped in your lap. So girl, get out there! You’ll always know what happened if you stayed home or stayed comfortable. You never know what will happen if you say yes. I met Nick and a ton of my closest people when I went to a housewarming party a random (at the time) guy named Brad invited me to after church one day in 2014. This goes beyond saying yes to things, sometimes you have to put yourself out there and ask a girl out on a friend date. I met my maid of honor, Whitney, at the gym. I met Jena on a women’s retreat and told her I wanted to be her friend. I met my friend Kelli at a group dinner with like five other girls I didn’t know, but then told her I didn’t really have any Christian girlfriends and asked to grab coffee. I know it’s awkward and hard and you worry what people might think, but just be honest and casual. To this day I’ll say something like, “hey girl, you seem fun (or sometimes “I really like you” –> trust me, it’s flattering and not creepy) and I need some good girlfriends. I’d love to hang out – want to grab coffee or a drink sometime?”
2. GET VULNERABLE. OR TRY REALLY HARD TO.
Vulnerability is one of the hardest things. It’s like being stripped naked in public, nothing to hide. There’s something terrifying yet so freeing about it. We all crave being fully known, yet fully loved. There’s nothing that makes you feel more connected and loved than when someone says, “me too” – but you’ll never experience that if you don’t share the really hard things. We’re all human. We’re all messed up. And we all want to feel less alone in that so what’s the point in pretending things are peachy? For me, that means sharing that I haven’t talked to my dad in twenty years because he abandoned us when a new friend asks about my family. Or when people ask how marriage is and I tell them the goods things along with the really hard things about feeling lonely sometimes or how it’s hard not be selfish or finding it really difficult to make decisions together instead of unilaterally. Or it could be as simple as not responding with “fine” or “good” when someone asks how you’re doing and instead being really honest with where you’re at.
3. JOIN THINGS THAT YOU LOVE.
A church or a running club. Or a sociable gym or a bible study or book club or volunteer – join things you’re passionate about! Church has become my main place to connect with others and make meaningful friendships but when I first moved to Charlottesville my best girlfriends were those I met at the gym in a group fitness class. I ran with the Charlottesville Track Club and met really good friends there too. In New York, besides nursing school, joining a community group through church (aka a bible study) was huge for building a solid friend group in addition to getting involved with Cru and volunteering at Avail. And you never know who you will meet – some of my best friends are friends of friends!
4. SOMETIMES, YOU DON’T NEED A WING WOMAN.
I went to a lot of things alone when I first moved to Charlottesville and then NYC. Running clubs, movie screenings, bible studies, house parties, church, whatever. I just showed up. It’s okay to go places alone and not have the safety net of a someone you know. You grow to be much more secure in who you are as a person and without the safety net of a gal pal, you’ll be forced outside your comfort zone. Learning to be okay being by myself was one of the greatest things I learned in my 20s.
5. FORGET EXPECTATIONS.
Your bestie doesn’t have to think and look and act like you do – at all! I thought Jena and I would never be friends because she was 5’10” and wore 4 inch heels everday with red lipstick, hoop earrings and seemed to always know what she was talking about. My friend Katie was from Greenwich, CT (the antithesis of Indiana) and saw life from a very different lense than I did. When we both got super real with one another, we connected over our pasts and soon became each others place of refuge as we navigated new relationships, engagement and now marriage. My good friend Sarah from nursing school is Jewish, type A and very organized, introverted, far more liberal than me, and we view many aspects of life differently – but she is a friend I love so dearly and I love that we have different view points on so many things, yet we can share openly and I learn things all the time from her. All that to say, be open! You never know what you’ll find beyond the surface 🙂
6. GIVE YOURSELF GRACE AND TIME.
In Charlottesville it took me 5-6 months to find friendships, in New York it took almost a year and wherever we move next it might take longer than that. That is OKAY. There is a lot of beauty and growth to be found in the in between if you press into the discomfort instead of away from it. Friendships take time and space and patience. And what I’ve realized as I’ve gotten a bit older is that it’s not the quantity of friendships, it’s the quality. If New York can eventually feel small and cozy where I feel seen and known, any place can. So hang in there friend <3
Your message translates to so many situations. I became a full time mom theee years ago and while I’m an introvert, I craved conversation with other moms. Luckily, I put my self consciousness aside and was able to make some really great friends. We’re all on our second babies now and have a strong sense of community. When you haven’t slept in months, the only other people who understand you are other moms!
This is such a hard thing to do. I moved to the US from london, which was a huge culture shock in itself, let alone i had zero friends and I hate Los Angeles. Now, Im in SF and love it, but making friends is still tough. Completely agree with just letting go and being vulnerable. im an extroverted introvert, so while I love being around people, I can also run into my shell a lot. Wish you lived over here and we could be friends 🙂
Thank you for this post. I turned 25 yesterday and definitely feel like I’m in a new “season” of life- no matter how badly I hate change. It’s so hard. I’m going to bookmark this post for (near) future reference.
Talk about a “me too!” post! 🙂
I recently moved and am working through many of these same feels as I try to create a new community.
Thanks for writing!
Thank you for this!!!!! This was so heartwarming to read on a Friday before work. I’m all about looking at life as seasons and friends coming and going has been difficult for me. I joined a bible study/ faith group because of you and it has been a huge blessing! I loved the Brené Brown quote. I have read 3 of her books this year and will probably read the rest soon. Can’t recommend The Gifts of Imperfection, Daring Greatly or Rising Strong enough! Thank YOU for being vulnerable with your blog, Robyn!
Oh my gosh, this is just what I needed to read on this Friday morning . Yesterday marked my two year anniversary of starting my first nursing job, in a brand new city away from all of my friends and family. I had been feeling so grateful for all the growth and progress I’ve made in my career, but more recently I’ve been struggling with some frustration regarding progress in my personal life, such as the area of friendships. Hearing your perspective on it is so helpful. It’s great knowing that not I’m not the only one who’s experienced challenges in this area!
These are such good tips Robyn, and I really struggle with being vulnerable. It’s definitely only pride, but the Lord has really humbled me in the past year and taught me that I need others. I need to engage in the body of Christ and tell my struggles to them, so they can pray for me, point me to Jesus, and so that we can remind each other that we are all real human beings that have real struggles, real fears, and real victories!
I really love how you have taken every opportunity to grow Robyn; you are so amazing at not being embittered about friendships coming and going. I can feel your excitement about friendship and relationship in this post, and that speaks of the love and compassion of Christ.
This is one of my favourite posts of yours. So much truth as usual! 🙂
I think the post-college/university twenties is so hard. No-one ever really tells you how *hard* it is to move somewhere on your own when you don’t have that net of education/societies/classes/dorms anymore. What do you do when you walk into a office/team as the only new person, in a city where you don’t really know anyone? It’s SO hard.
It’s also so hard when those friends you do make move. I hear you. I have done a lot of the leaving in my life (going away to university, year abroad, first jobs) and the first time it happened to me, that I was the one left behind staying when a friend left, I was shocked at how it felt.(SO NAIVE!) It’s so hard to watch people go. Intentions are great for staying close friends; the internet is great, iPhones are great for this but it’s not the same as physically having someone in your life.
Anyways…your tips are all great! Although speaking for all the I-types on the Myers Briggs scale, it’s even harder. I’m not naturally social so let’s just say Netflix at home alone is 90% time preferable to putting myself out there. Just gotta give myself the push!
Thanks of the post Robyn! xxx
This post really spoke to me today in so many ways. Been feeling really unsettled in so many ways recently, and this was such a good reminder that I’m not alone!
This is such a great post and great advice, Robyn. My heart aches for you right now. I do find it difficult to relate to this situation with feeling like friendships are so important. However, I am an introvert and I tend to really LIKE doing things all on my own and being alone. This isn’t to say I don’t value relationships. I am very close to my parents and feel like the world is about to collapse anytime I think about the fact that they’ve aged and the reality that they won’t be here with me one day. I have absolutely amazing coworkers and we laugh and share all day long, so I suppose that feels like enough for me to scratch that social itch. By the time I get home I’m zapped and the last thing I want to do is interact with more people. But I agree with you here with putting yourself out there. I also moved to another town away from home a few years ago and I met some of my closer friends I have now by attending a book club at the library, joining a gym here and joining a women’s entrepreneur group. You really DO have to be willing to do things alone in order to find others. Thanks for your wisdom!
I’m moving to Vienna from the UK next month, and this was so comforting for me to read, especially as I’m leaving all of my university friends! Thank you.
So needed this ❤
This post was spot on what I needed to read today! I moved to Nashville less than 1 year ago (would love to meet your friend that just moved here BTW!) and have moved around a lot the last few years for school, internships, and work and it can be so hard to make friends now that I don’t have that built in circle of people from the school days. Especially now that I work for myself, I have had to go outside my comfort zone a LOT and reach out to people asking to meet and going to networking and social events by myself. I am trying to remind myself to be patient and that friendships (much like everything else) take time to find, build, and create that strong bond!
Man, this post hits close to home today. I was recently offered a job in the Seattle area, and I live in the Midwest. I am really nervous about not knowing anyone and being by myself. Yikes. I’ll definitely have to work at making friends because I’m totally fine with staying at home with netflix or a book.
Anyone in the greater Seattle area? 🙂
I’m in the Seattle area, and a recent Midwest transplant myself. I’m always up for grabbing coffee!
I just love you and your point of view. So honest and refreshing. That’s all;) Thanks!
This was both helpful and reassuring. After moving to a new city this past fall I’ve gone through all these emotions. Church has been huge for me, and I’m hoping volunteering is too!
I’d be your friend! Haha 🙂 Making friends as an adult is hard! I recently went out for coffee with a girl I didn’t know very well, and I swear, I was more nervous for that than any date I’ve been on! It’s rewarding to put yourself out there like that though, I’d like to do it more often and expand my friend group a bit.
Great Tips! This is always really hard for me.
So many of us are or have been in this spot! I just finished reading MWF Seeking BFF by Rachel Bertsche, a memoir about a girl who moved to a new city with her husband and her journey finding friends. She’s hilarious and the struggle is so relatable.
Beautiful post Girl!!!
I moved to a new country recently (Ireland) after getting married & found the transition a little hard at first- but joining things (church, sport, volunteer groups etc) & being bold worked wonders 🙂
I am a new follower & couldn’t adore your blog more right now btw! As a fellow newly wed I was wondering if you could do a post on how your eating & relationship to food has changed (thinking always of two now, meal planning etc) + we are planning for a family soon so any pre-pregnancy guidelines & tips for boosting fertility would be amazing too!!
Thank you so much for everything you do for women- you have such a beutiful spirit!
Love & blessings xo
Thank you for this. I’m moving to Mankato, Minnesota in three weeks for grad school. I’ve never even visited Minnesota and don’t know a single person. I’m bookmarking this tips to keep in mind. This post really gives me hope. <3
You have such an exciting adventure ahead!! Good luck 🙂
How exciting Sian you’re in Ireland! There’s a post I wrote that shares my eating journey here https://www.thereallife-rd.com/2017/03/healthiest-way-to-eat/
I’d love to write on post on meal planning/cooking for two and some pre pregnancy thoughts – although we aren’t trying right now, we’re not too far away from being there 🙂
That book sounds like a fun read! Adding it to my list 🙂
Girl dates are hard but so worth it! Thinking of you as you branch out 🙂
<3 <3
What an adventure!! I hear Seattle is a blast and people love it – you’ll be great!
So exciting! Good luck Lucy!
You should connect!! She works for herself too – Jena Viviano on instagram – message her and say you got connected through me, she’s the queen of networking 🙂
Thanks! I totally will!
So glad it was helpful 🙂 happy belated 25th!!
It’s hard to see people come and go – I’m so
Excited for you in joining a bible study and that it has been so rich! Love love love BB. Thank YOU for reading!
Thinking of you!!
This line–> “But, anything worhwhile isn’t just plopped in your lap. So girl, get out there!” Ugh. it’s so hard, especially for being an introvert but it’s so necessary. I think I’ve been learning how important friendships and people are, even if you aren’t super energized by being around people.
Sometimes it’s so hard to have the energy and time to get to know people and build friendships but it’s so worth it. That’s what I keep telling myself. It’ll be worth it in the long run.
Thank you for sharing this with us! I’m pretty introverted so I feel like I have a hard time making friends. I’m moving for my dietetic internship soon and am pretty nervous about leaving all my friends and family and meeting new people. I love the tips and will definitely be keeping them in mind come August- especially going places alone- I’m soo bad at that. Also hoping I will learn to love being myself in the rest of my twenties!
I adored this post. All your tips are so so spot-on, and I think just as pertinent in other stages of life. I had a pretty rough time this past year as a freshman in college, precisely feeling like I didn’t feel KNOWN. I’m an ENFJ myself, so my goodness I sure know the feeling of needing community and people around me, but also being quite choosy and not wanting to surround myself with just anyone. I think what I learned is as long as you stay true to yourself, be patient, and surrender to the universe while remaining open to what it offers, the right people will come along. Thank you as always for your wise words. 🙂
Really love that tip on letting go of expectations (story of my life) and never knowing where you’ll meet your future husband or maid-of-honor. With my college life coming to its close, I have been struggling with the fleetingness of life, how people just come and go in our lives. This is resonating with me so much. Thanks for sharing, Robyn!
I have no doubt been learning this. I moved to Atlanta almost two years ago and about 8 months ago I moved to Savannah. I found small groups to be such a blessing too!
Thank you for all the tips to make new friends. I just moved to a new city, and I really want to make some friends. I really like your tip about joining things you are passionate about. I think that would be a great way to find people who like the same things that I like.